The Only Guarantees in Life

The only guarantees in life are death and taxes. 

So the saying goes, but the message is stale. Taxes are not guaranteed. There are plenty of stories now about corporations like Apple holding funds offshore to avoid paying taxes. To distract myself from work today, I was trying to think of the things that truly ARE guaranteed. Here's my list:

Death

At least for another few years, death is still certain. Soon, though, Elon will stop dicking around with batteries and cryptocurrency and rockets and will solve a real problem like Death. In the dystopian immortal reality, I'll come back to this list and remove this item. 

Fear of Death

Face reality: your life is finite, everything you know is finite, and there will come a specific moment in time when the scythe of death slices down upon you and brings that finitude to a terrible, abrupt end. To be afraid of this is incredibly normal. In the dystopian immortal reality, I even think that the fear of death will stick around. Even though death would slip across the threshold from reality to legend, the suggestion that death could at any time revisit the earth would make the fear of it a terrible, ever-present reality. Like ghosts, or hell, or another Trump presidency. 

Poop

Everybody poops, even girls. Perhaps this reality is what makes constipation so awful. Even a brief hiatus from pooping spells a terrible reckoning to come. 

Positive Opinions of Chipotle

You love Chipotle. Even if you say you don't love Chipotle, we all know that you would house that burrito if no one was watching. 

Gratitude for Tom Hanks

God reached out from across the abyss between Heaven and Here and gifted us with a sweet foretaste of beatitude. That foretaste is named Tom Hanks and he is a treasure. To be human is to love Tom Hanks. 

Dying at Least Once in the Creepy Castle Level of Donkey Kong for N64

I didn't have videogames growing up, but I lived vicariously through my neighbors. I bounced back and forth among the houses on my street, watching them work the controls. The best in Ramblewood (which was the name of my little neighborhood growing up) was Ben. Ben was a legend. And even Ben spent an entire afternoon on this level, learning the tricks to avoid death. We even had to take a gatorade and goldfish break, it was that serious.

There you have it, the new and improved list. So next time you hear someone say, "The only guarantees in life are death and taxes," be sure to correct them: "Um, actually, nowadays the only guarantees are death, fear of death, poop, positive opinions of Chipotle, gratitude for Tom Hanks, and dying at least once in the Creepy Castle level of DK for N64. Duh."